As some of you might already be aware from reading my posts in the past, I am not one to shy away from speaking my mind. I guess the older I get, that part of my brain that tells me not to say things is starting to malfunction. Subjects that others consider private or shameful to talk about in public don’t seem to bother me. I still have not decided if this is a problem or a blessing. So, here we go again.
Rob and I have been living here in States now for over a year. This past year has been filled with many different feelings and emotions as we have tried our best to navigate this really difficult time in our lives. I’m hesitant to say the most difficult time because I am very aware that things can always get worse. It has also had its share of blessings from the Lord for which I am so thankful.
The best description I can give you is to imagine yourself standing waist deep in the ocean. A storm is raging all around you. Every few seconds or so a large wave sweeps over you knocking you off your feet and under the water. You swirl for a few moments then somehow manage to get your feet back under you, just in time for another wave to sweep over you.
This is what our year has been like. Wave after wave of difficulty with no end in sight. I’m going to be honest. At the beginning of this year, I was quite upset with the Lord for our situation. I remember feeling and saying, “after 14 years of service, this is what we get?” I was disappointed and felt let down by the Lord. I didn’t understand and I wanted to know why.
Slowly over this last year, the Lord has begun a different kind of work in my life that is unlike any he has ever done in me before. It has been painful and difficult to face some of the thought patterns and behaviors that I have come to accept in my life concerning the way I perceive the Lord and my relationship with Him. Unhealthy choices that I have made and decisions that have led me to where I find myself today. You see, the Lord did not do this to us. He allowed this for us.
My Pastor shared this morning from James about trials and tribulations. He shared from his own personal experience how the Lord brought him through a bout with Cancer and how he and his dear wife responded to it. I am always so thankful for people who will be honest and up front about their struggles. It helps to know that you are not the only one who struggles. He shared that Mrs. Janet had the same questions I did. Why would you allow this Lord? Why would you do this to us? Pastor Johnny’s response spoke to my heart. He is doing this for you.
It has been a humbling and beautiful thing to realize that my God would go to such lengths to have more of me. There is nothing He wouldn’t do to have me. All of me. He was not satisfied with what I was willing to give, He wanted it all. Not my service, not my talents, just me. He had to bring me to a place where I had nothing left but myself and for the first time I can honestly say, I am so grateful.
Don’t get me wrong, there are still days that I grow incredibly weary of the waves and think, God, could you just give me a little break? Then, I realize, He is not done yet. I have to endure a little while longer till He completes what He has started. I don’t always have the faith I need to make it every day, but I live knowing that there is grace for that. What I am lacking, I can ask my father for freely. He is waiting for me to run to him.
I am sure that some, if not all of you, are surviving a storm of your own. I have no wisdom for you, but I offer you my prayer. Prayer that the Lord would give you the faith you need to trust Him in the storm. Prayer that you would remember you are not alone and that God has a purpose for your suffering. Prayer that you would endure and finally be able to see what it was all for. I promise you, it will be worth it.